WE GOT HIM! SEAL Team Six Kills Butterfly Responsible For Hurricane Katrina

Butterfly in the sky,

A Blackhawk Helicopter can fly twice as high,

Take a look,

Your life we took,

SEAL Team Siiiiix.

-Khaleesi Smith, Age 8

National Children’s Poetry Competition Winner

WASHINGTON D.C.–Celebrations erupted across the nation today as it was announced that SEAL Team Six finally killed the butterfly whose wing flaps were responsible for Hurricane Katrina.

Two helicopters and twenty-six men were lost in the daring raid on the butterfly’s six-foot-deep hidey-hole. A small price to pay to nail that, admittedly pretty to look at, son of a bitch.

We talked to the team that carried out the raid and transcribed their accounts here:

Lieutenant Blimp Kennedy: “Our helos went down two clicks from the target, so we befriended a local tribe by impressing them with our mastery of improv comedy. They gave us camels to finish the mission. That was in 2005. Twenty years later we finally reached the butterfly’s hidey-hole. I lost twenty-six good, honest, beautiful American boys that day. I hope that butterfly is reincarnated as a man so I can pound his ass. Wait, that didn’t come out right, I mean beat him off. No! I mean…rustle his jimmies? Dammit, no that sounds gay too.”

Chief Petty Officer Cooter Splevins: “These city boys don’t know nothin’ ‘bout butterfly wrangling. I told them it's most dangerous when it's cornered. 'Course no one listen to Old Coot, no. They lucky I had my pan flute on me so I could tame it. Still, I got no room to talk. I have a way higher casualty count on my hands from when I was a lunch lady and a typo led to me accidentally ordering hundreds of cookies and milfs.”

Seaman Orlando Toops: “I was captured in the desert on July 21st, 2012, and was held by the butterfly until the rest of the team stormed the hole. At first, I didn’t much like the hole, but I started to feel safe in it eventually. I started to come to depend on the hole. It protected me from the elements and kept me warm. It kept me company when the butterfly went hunting. I began to understand my role in the hole. I was like the butterfly, this hole my cocoon, awaiting my transformation into something greater. I am a seaman gestating in this hole. I belong in this hole. The science boys tell me I'm Stockholm syndromed to the hole, but I don’t believe them because I don’t know what that means. All I know is this seaman belongs in this hole and I ain’t leaving. I am Orlando Toops and this is my story.”

All surviving members of the team have written books and started podcasts, and all claim to be the one to actually kill the butterfly. The method of execution was putting the butterfly in a blender full of water to see how it likes being in a hurricane. The chopped-up bits were then encased in concrete and dropped at an undisclosed location in the ocean. The news has caused an explosion in celebratory sex and the resulting births are expected to double that of the baby boom.

Meet the Author!

RICK IDAHO

is a comedy writer based in Chicago. His hobbies include writing, making people laugh, and sticking it to the man. He is the founder of thedunce.fun and hopes you enjoy it.

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