Supreme Court Releases Official ‘Racial Profiling for Dummies’ Guide

The newest 6-3 decision by SCOTUS has law enforcement cheering and the Fourth Amendment weeping in a cuck corner, the Supreme Court has officially greenlit the federal government’s new immigration strategy: “Guess Who’s Illegal?”

The ruling, handed down after justices realized their original copies of the Constitution were missing the “But It’s, Like, Really Obvious, Though” amendment, suspends a lower federal court’s ban on stopping people for LOOKING like they might not have papers.

Writing for the majority, Jerk Justice Brett Kavanaugh clarified the complex legal standard. “We’re not saying you can stop someone just for being brown,” he explained, while demonstrating with a series of crayon drawings. “You have to stop them for being brown and speaking Spanish. Or brown and holding a leaf blower. Or brown and existing within a five-mile radius of a taco truck. It’s about the totality of the circumstances, people. It’s science.”

The decision comes with a handy flowchart for ICE agents:

1. See a Person. → 2. Do they look… foreign? → If YES: Proceed to Step 3. Ask if they speak English. → If they have an accent: CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve achieved “reasonable suspicions.” Please proceed to detainment block A.

Civil rights groups are furious, calling the ruling a blatant violation of the Constitution. “This is a license for racial profiling!” shouted one activist, who was immediately detained for sounding “too passionate.”

Meanwhile, the Department of Homeland Security is thrilled. “Finally, we can do our jobs without being shackled by ‘evidence’ or ‘individualized suspicion,’” said a spokesperson, polishing his crystal ball. “Our new directive is simple: See a landscaper? Ask for his passport. Hear someone order a horchata? Check their birth certificate. It’s about keeping America safe, one stereotype at a time.”

In a fiery dissent, Justice Sotomayor simply held up a mirror to the majority and asked, “Does this face alone furnish reasonable suspicion for a stop?” The court clerk is still waiting for an answer.

So, remember, citizens: if you have a tan, a job, or the ability to order food in more than one language, you’re not a person—you’re a "Totality of Circumstance". PAPERS PLEASE in 1940s German accent

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GEOFFERY KINSEY

is a writer, producer, online provocator, alchemist, & moviewhore. Hailing from Vancouver Canada but now NYC tri-state based. He loves helping people and getting all the help he can.

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