Trump Only Wants One Thing from His Meeting with Putin, and It's to See if He Can Fit His Whole Cock Down His Throat

Across Trump’s many, many, many meetings with Putin, he has wanted many things. It started as just wanting to hang out with his best bud and verbally glaze him up, but things quickly escalated from there. It has been over five years since Trump got his first taste of the Russian Dicta-- I mean dick. He was shy at first and only went for the tip, but once he got a little taste of Putin’s unchallenged authority (Putin's name for it), he was desperate for more.

In future meetings, he always made sure to get a full meal out of Putin, always sucking him to completion, but the untrained, decrepit throat muscles of the McDonald's-fueled, almost octogenarian struggled to deepthroat the member of the United Russia political party (which the Russian government claims to be 18 inches long and wide, though third part sources estimate to be closer to 4 inches long and 2 inches wide, so either way, definitely a chode). However, over the past half a decade, Trump has been doing his very best to lose his gag reflex, rolling up and swallowing every bill he vetoes whole, which was long thought to be a symbolic gesture, but was later revealed to just be part of his training regimen.

In Trump’s last meeting with Putin, he hit a crucial milestone and only had a single inch remaining, causing Vlad’s most premature ejaculation thus far. Trump swore after the meeting that if he hadn’t been caught off guard by the white Russian fluid filling his mouth, he would’ve made it all the way. In the weeks since, many of his detractors have made absolutely no comment on this, despite Trump’s many claims in unrelated interviews and press conferences that no one believes that he could’ve actually fit the entire cock down his throat. So Trump is coming into this meeting with something to prove…to himself and no one else.

The president’s doctors have advised against his taking it all the way, saying that the act poses a serious risk of suffocation and possibly instant death. This has made many people come out of the woodwork to provide Trump with unprecedented support in this endeavor, with former Vice President Kamala Harris even sending Putin a special message saying simply, “Do come,” in a surprising tone shift for the politician.

Meet the Author!

EMMANUEL J ROSS HARTWAY

is a gender-fluid and autistic writer, improviser, standup comedian, actor, singer… other stuff who just moved to Chicago 5 months ago. They are mainly a writer and improviser but after a few months of reluctantly trying to do standup, they now enjoy it enough to feel like they can win at being funny. Or if not, at least leave people feeling like they’ve learned possibly too much about him and the world at large by the end of the set.

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