Trump Fears Colorado Portrait Subjected Him to Dorian Gray-Esque Fat Curse

WASHINGTON—A noticeably portly President Trump waddled to the White House press podium Monday to address growing concerns that his official portrait in the Colorado State House had subjected him to a Dorian Gray–style fat curse.

“This is the worst thing to ever happen to a New Yorker in history.” Trump said between bites of McNuggets drenched in buffalo sauce. “When I took office, I was a very healthy 287 pounds. Then this lady paints me, deliberately I believe, as a fat guy. And now I’ve ballooned to 293. The stress is enormous. The White House may have been designed by an anti-fat architect. I don’t know. I’m looking into it.”

Trump went on to say the curse had taken a toll at home: “When Barron visits from college, he invites all his cool friends to come and laugh at me. Barron will pinch my double chin wattle and yank it all around while calling me Sally McPresident until I cry. Melania can’t show emotion ever since her elective cosmetic lobotomy, but I’ve decided it upsets her. It’s exactly like the Dorian Gray curse, but I’m fat now. I’m like half a Rosie O’Donnell. It’s disgusting.”

Reporters noted Trump seemed unaware of O’Donnell’s recent weight loss and glow-up. A White House aide whispered in his ear, prompting Trump to say, “What? She lost weight?” After being shown a photo (which he leered at with a hungry gaze for an uncomfortably long time), he added, “Wow, she looks great. Send a bouquet.”

Trump concluded the briefing by snapping his fingers and instructing “Bobby” Kennedy Jr., Secretary of Health and Human Services, to fetch more McNuggets before slurring, “By the way, this was sponsored by McNuggets.”

Later that day, the president signed an executive order establishing an FBI “witch hunt” task force to investigate his alleged portrait-induced weight gain.

At press time, the Colorado portrait was revealed to be a mirror.

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RICK IDAHO

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