Study Finds Americans More Likely to be Victimized by Convicted Criminal Donald Trump than Entire City of Chicago

CHICAGO—A new study from the American Institute of Thinking About Things for More Than Two Seconds has found that Americans are far more likely to be a victim of a crime perpetrated by convicted criminal Donald Trump than the entire city of Chicago. While Chicago has seen a significant drop in crime in recent years, President Trump has been mired in convictions and investigations, contradicting his claims on crime in Chicago. A surgeon of propaganda fulfilling his hypocritic oath.

However, the real crime being committed here is that bum ass outfit. Like, imagine continuing to dress like a yuppie in 2025. The wispy grandpa's hair with the cheap dye. The gouache fake tans. Trump is definitely The Dunce magazine’s Most Chopped Man Baby of the Year. It’s messed up what they do to him. I’d be a power-hungry asshole if I looked like that too, but fuck it bro, it’s his life.

For more insight into these issues, we asked local Chicagoans if they would feel safer sending their daughter to school every day or to the Oval Office every day, with 100% of respondents sayingthey felt safer sending their daughters to school in Chicago. Good call parents, I’ve never seen a Chicago school photographed with infamous pedophile Jeffery Epstein like Trump was in this photograph below.

My advice, Trump? You mess with Chicago, and you get Da Bulls

Meet the Writer!

RICK IDAHO

is a comedy writer based in Chicago. His hobbies include writing, making people laugh, and sticking it to the man. He is the founder of thedunce.fun and hopes you enjoy it.

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