Senate Narrowly Passes Unkindness Act

WASHINGTON D.C.–After 3 minutes of deliberation the senate has narrowly passed the Unkindness Act in a 100-0 vote. The bill was unanimously approved by the newly formed Ways to Be Mean Committee after a contentious approval from the Inappropriations Committee. The bill was authored and introduced by the living corpse of Senator Strom Thurmond and co-sponsored by Senator John Fetterman. Sources close to the matter say Senator Fetterman agreed to co-sponsor as part of a quid pro quo agreement in exchange for a laziness provision allowing remote congressional voting.

Eschewing precedent, the bill codifies line cutting as a legal practice, legalizes stealing candy from babies, and abolishes the Americans with Disabilities Act. Smoking indoors is back, kicking puppies is the new national pastime, and Medicare is gutted. Zipper merging is a free-for-all, clubbing baby seals is the new war on terror, and the bill funds a new American Gestapo-style agency that prides itself on its overreach: a national homeowner's association.

The bill will increase the national deficit by over 456 bajillion dollars and is expected to be signed by President Tonald Dump.

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RICK IDAHO

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