RFK Jr. Orders Fake Scientists to do Fake Science

ATLANTA, GA—Citing numerous peer-reviewed Fake Science studies, Robert Kennedy Junior reportedly told his newly appointed Council on Lugubrious Corvinine Diseases, abbreviated Cee-CLiD.

“This is the right thing to do, to make America Healthy yet again,” said Kennedy, referring to the MAHA movement at a Centers for Disease Control Ribbon cutting ceremony on Friday, according to prepared remarks forwarded to the press.

“I want all Fake Scientists to hear me out: sunscreen is bad. Masturbation is bad, because I feel bad every time. Tallo tastes pretty good, you know, whatever.”

In the middle of his speech, he started scatting. “Skee dee boo doo bop; slidibah door bop. And so on. Watch out for microwaves.”

Fake Scientists worldwide celebrated.

“This is an amazing opportunity to get back at the aliens who are tracking us,” said noted UFO-UAE expert Sam Thompson of Prager University, who was not involved in Friday's ceremonies. “The Purple Dimension will finally help us prove that COVID-19 was a conspiracy set by the government, just like I always knew. I'm sure of it: what more do you want?”

Janelle Diaz, a Hollow Earth expert on Kennedy's Council, with certifications from her quote, “years,” studying phenomena while high in the loft above her garage university, said, “Clearly, vaccines don't work, and everyone is trying to cause Climate Change with laser beams from outer space.”

When asked if she ran the numbers on any of her claims, she said math is not, “really her thing or whatever.”

Opponents to Fake Science cried foul.

“This is yet another example of these guys just making stuff up, repeating it a gazillion times, and then the public eating it up like so many Funyon potato chips,” said Epistemology Professor Dericka Simpson, of Dusquene University.

Kennedy, a noted anti-vaccination skeptic and crank, stands to make millions from dark, evil sources at the expense of the American people.

When asked whether anyone would be willing to believe anything, all the time, Simpson was incredulous and threw her hands skyward.

“The Pandemic was only 5 years ago. The vaccines saved millions of lives.

“Who the fuck forgot?” she said, as large lemur monkeys with wings began slowly flying out of her butt.

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DOUGLAS CAMPESE AND JACOB GOLDBAS

Doug Campese and Jacob Goldbas are writing partners based in Brooklyn and Washington DC and love each other very much. Jacob won the DCJCC Award for Writing in 2013.

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