Recession Indicator: Man Blasting Music on CTA Doesn't Even Have Ad-Free

CHICAGO—Smoking, theft, and murder I can handle. I hardly even notice them on my commute anymore. What I cannot handle is people blasting their speakers on public transit. It makes this crazy train—me—go off the rails. Even worse is when they don’t have the decency to pay for ad-free. It ruins my commute and makes me wonder if they value me as a customer when I hop that turnstile.

How dare they make me listen to Blue Chew and Hello Fresh ads on the train? They must know that's when I’m at my horngriest (hungry and horny). And the crypto ads, just taunting me after I lost my wife savings, like life savings but hers, on Hawk Tuah Coin. What are the odds the next ad is for some dumb gambling app? No, seriously, what are the odds? I’m betting on it right now trying to win my wife savings back on this gambling app before she gets home from the Peace Corps.

Come to think of it, I haven’t heard a single song since I got on this train. Is this guy just playing ad after ad? Why? Who benefits from that? Is he stupid? Does he just like advertisements? I don’t know if it’s weird or suspicious. Maybe both. I need to follow him to find out more. Looks like this is his stop, I’m going in. Wish me luck!

Oh my god. Reader. The limp. The accent. The mustache. The eye-patch. The peg leg. The hook hand. The parrot. All fake. He wasn’t a pirate at all; it was all just a disguise! He’s walking into the Big Marketing building now. Looks like they’re having a party. The banner says, “Welcome back C.E.O.” Oh my god! The pirate playing ads on the train was the C.E.O of Big Marketing the whole time? Guerilla marketing has gone too far. I gotta warn people!

Drat, I’ve been spotted. Dear reader, I am of sound body and mind, and I love life. If I turn up missing do not, I repeat, do not belie-

In Memoriam: Rick Idaho

A husband, a commuter, and officially—a suicide.

Meet the Writer!

RICK IDAHO

is a comedy writer based in Chicago. His hobbies include writing, making people laugh, and sticking it to the man. He is the founder of thedunce.fun and hopes you enjoy it.

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