New Study Finds That Most Americans Have a "Sub-Par" Arnold Schwarzenegger Impression

WASHINGTON D.C.–A recent study out of Georgetown University has revealed shocking results: over 88% of Americans have an "underwhelming" Arnold Schwarzenegger Impression.

“The numbers were alarming, to say the least,” said Dr. Boris Svenson, head of Georgetown's Celebrity Linguistics Program. “Over 88% of participants had impressions ranging from ‘God awful’ to ‘genuinely cringe’.”

According to Svenson, about half of the participants’ accents landed somewhere vaguely in eastern Europe. “Of the remaining 50%, a good chunk of them seemed to think he was Australian. I’m not sure if they heard ‘Austrian’ and got confused, but the vocal tones are very different.” Svenson said. “We almost threw out the data from the ones who thought he was Japanese. But there were just so many. We had to include it.”

This study marks another point in a troubling trend. There seems to be a cultural decline in good Schwarzenegger impressions. “In 1850, nearly everyone could do an Arnold Schwarzenegger impression. It was taught in schools.” Svenson said. “Now, most people can’t even do ‘Hasta La Vista’ or ‘I’ll be back’. Simple Arnold phrases. At the rate we’re going, by 2070, we predict that not even Arnold will be able to do a solid Arnold impression.”

However, not everyone agrees with Dr. Svenson’s conclusion. “I got a great fuckin’ Arnold!” said local dipshit Mike Garbanzo. “GET TO THE CHOPPER!” Mike proclaimed in an accent that was closer to Jamaican than anything else.

Though Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions are on the decline, Dr. Svenson says there’s reason for optimism. “Trump impressions saw a rapid quality increase after 2016. If we can get Arnold to run for president, we just might be able to turn this around.”

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WILL KISOR & GAGE SWANSTON

are two writers from Arlington, Virginia who currently live in the great state of denial. They are known for creating the Youtube Channel ‘Priam’s Productions’ as well as being on Guinness record 24 government watch lists. If you want to contract them, they are very food motivated.

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