Missed Connections: Rainforest Cafe

I know this is a long shot, but here it goes. A few weeks ago, at around midnight I left the abandoned Rainforest Cafe where I live to take a shit outside. I felt an immense sense of unease. I felt like someone was watching me. He left after I told him a picture would last longer, and that's when I noticed you. Perched on a nearby rooftop, you were a tall, dark, and handsome beast of a man. You had huge muscular wings with diseased molting feathers and great big mesmerizing red eyes that leered at me with a lustful, almost hungry, gaze.

You swooped down from the building to approach me. You grabbed me with a tight embrace, your claws digging into me with animalistic passion. You smelled heavily of sulfur. We looked into each other's eyes, and I fell under your spell. Some incel white knight with a policeman's getup nearby tried to “save” me from you, but you let out a horrible screech and his brain melted out of his ears. You started nibbling on my neck, slipped me a little tongue, and sucked out all my blood.

I passed out and woke up hours later exhausted, got too many butterflies in my tummy, and ran inside before I got your number. In the weeks after that, all my hair, nails, and teeth fell out. All the members of my family died from painful, unidentifiable, and incurable diseases. Everyone I came into contact with either mysteriously vanished without a trace or died in some freak accident. It made me realize how short life can be and how important it is to take chances and live life to the fullest. So, if you felt something that night and want to hang out again, I’ll be outside the abandoned Rainforest Cafe tonight at midnight again for my usual shit. I’ll be the girl without hair, nails, and teeth rocking the cutest crop top in the world I got for 30% off on ZARA.

Love,

Mary-Tildabeth Johnsonberg

Meet the Writer!

RICK IDAHO

is a comedy writer based in Chicago. His hobbies include writing, making people laugh, and sticking it to the man. He is the founder of thedunce.fun and hopes you enjoy it.

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