MINUTES AGO: Donald Trump Launched the Epstein Client List into Space

Cape Canaveral–In the presidential equivalent of flushing drugs in a police raid, Donald Trump has re-funded NASA just to launch the Epstein client list into space. The rocket is crewed by a single person, the newly pardoned Ghislaine Maxwell.

We asked Trump about this at a press conference he set up to talk about the launch and he had this to say, “I can’t believe you’re still talking about that pedophile during this beautiful rocket launch. I honestly can’t believe you just asked that question. It’s disgraceful. His poor widow just accepted a pardon in exchange for serving her country in NASA’s first mission to the Sun, and you’re asking about some has-been pedophile that has nothing to do with this. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Maybe now that the list is in space we can forget about it.”

Maxwell was reportedly given no training and is not expected to survive the rocket’s attempt to land on the Sun.

“I think what she’s doing is so brave. It’s really important to me that we have more rich social pariahs in space. The Earth has rejected us and as sisters we need to stick together.” Katy Perry said unprompted.

The mission is expected to cost tax-payers $200 gigajillion dollars. In other news, funding cuts to education, housing, and infrastructure are ongoing.

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RICK IDAHO

is a comedy writer based in Chicago. His hobbies include writing, making people laugh, and sticking it to the man. He is the founder of thedunce.fun and hopes you enjoy it.

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