Megachurch Pastor Says Inflation Has Doubled the Price of Salvation

HOUSTON, TX–The golden streets of heaven turned gilded this week as it seems not even God is above the effects of economic inflation. Alarm bells were sounded due to the rising costs affecting the bottom line of several prominent megachurches. One church leader, Pastor Bowl Joesteen of the Megachurch for love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control, had this to say,

“Inflation is getting out of control; it's affecting my fleece-I mean my flock. I can no longer afford the lifestyle I have become accustomed to because these peasants-I mean parishioners can’t pay their tithes. I mean, my right-wing influencer buddy is eating good these days, he just bought twitter. Can’t I get some of that? I can’t keep doing it with these whiny Family Matters types, where's my Full House? There's gotta be some upper middle class suburban families looking for some swindling-I mean salvation. Just last year I bought three Lamborghinis. This year? I had to settle for just six Kia Sorentos. Jesus didn’t die on the cross for me to suffer like this. Mark my words, if I don’t get my Lambos he will punish this country with a recession. That is a threat with a promise stapled to the back of it.”

Pastor Joesteen, who changed his first name to Bowl after realizing Jesus likely ate from one once maybe even twice, recently had his second vacation home foreclosed on, was last seen setting his boat on fire in an insurance fraud scheme, and is currently wanted for questioning in connection to $256 gorgillion dollars in evaded taxes.

In the arms of the angel

Fly away from here

From this dark, cold hotel room

And the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage

Of your silent reverie

You're in the arms of the angel

May you find some comfort here

Hi, I’m Sarah McLachlan. Will you be an angel for a helpless megachurch pastor? Everyday innocent megachurch pastors are foreclosed on, investigated for insurance fraud, and wanted for tax evasion. And they’re crying out for help.

You are pulled from the wreckage

Of your silent reverie

You're in the arms of the angel

May you find some comfort here

Please, click the author tip button at the bottom of this article. For just eighteen dollars a month, only sixty cents a day, you’ll help rescue megachurch pastors from their investigators and provide tax free money, luxury items, a new second vacation home, and ego. Click in the next thirty minutes, and you’ll receive this welcome kit with a photo of a megachurch pastor in an expensive fur coat right now – one who’s been given a second chance, thanks to you.

You're in the arms of the angel

May you find some comfort here

Right now, there’s a megachurch pastor who needs you. Your click says, “I’m here to help”. Please click the tip writer button right now.

Meet the Author!

RICK IDAHO

is a comedy writer based in Chicago. His hobbies include writing, making people laugh, and sticking it to the man. He is the founder of thedunce.fun and hopes you enjoy it.

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