Marco Rubio Granted Power To Revoke Passports Of Anyone Who Gives Him Side-Eye Or Sass

WASHINGTON, DC—In a bold move to streamline national security and eliminate all unnecessary paperwork, Secretary of State Marco Rubio has been granted the authority to revoke the passports of American citizens based solely on whether he finds thoughts sufficiently agreeable.

The new legislation, tucked into a boring 5,000-page State Department reauthorization bill, allows Rubio to deny or revoke passports for anyone accused of "knowingly aiding, assisting, abetting, or otherwise providing material support to an organization the Secretary has designated as a foreign terrorist organization" – or anyone who likes social media posts featuring sunsets he dislikes.

"This is about protecting freedom," Rubio explained while revoking the passport of a college student who once mispronounced 'espresso'. "If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear. Unless you've ever thought about hiding something. Then you should definitely fear."

Some common sense critics have called the move "thought policing at the hands of one individual," but Rubio's staff was quick to clarify that citizens will have "full due process rights" – meaning they can appeal directly to Rubio within 60 days after he revokes their passport . "We're even providing a convenient express lane for appeals," added a staffer. "It goes straight into the shredder."

The State Department has already begun implementing the new system. Recent revocations include:

· A grandmother whose knitting circle discussed Palestinian olive orchards

· A tourist who asked if Airbnb had any listings in "controversial neighborhoods"

· A man who downloaded a VPN "for no particular reason"

When asked about potential overreach, Rubio noted, "This authority will only be used against terrorists, traffickers, and people who put pineapple and Spam on pizza". (Take that Hawaii)

The legislation originally included a provision allowing Rubio to revoke passports for anyone who pronounced his name "Marc-o" instead of "Mark-o," but that was deemed unnecessarily punitive.

At press time, Rubio was seen revoking his own passport after accidentally thinking about a controversial opinion while waiting for his latte.

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GEOFFERY KINSEY

is a writer, producer, online provocator, alchemist, & moviewhore. Hailing from Vancouver Canada but now NYC tri-state based. He loves helping people and getting all the help he can.

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