Local Woman’s Self-Marriage Ceremony Praised As "A Fairytale Without A Prince, A Catering Bill, Or A Legally Binding Contract"

TURIN, ITALY—In a moving ceremony attended by 70 close friends and family, local fitness instructor Laura Mesi made the ultimate commitment this weekend, vowing to love, cherish, and obey HERSELF for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death does part her from her.

The event, which the 40-year-old bride described as “a fairytale without a prince,” featured all the traditional hallmarks of a wedding, including a white gown, bridesmaids, and a three-layer cake. The only thing it didn’t feature was a second person.

“It was beautiful, though the seating chart was a nightmare,” said one guest. “Every seat was the bride’s side. The ‘groom’s side’ was just a potted plant she’d placed a top hat on. It was a nice touch.”

In the concept, known as sologamy, is a growing trend in the recent years where individuals make a formal commitment to themselves. Mesi’s ceremony, however, presented unique logistical challenges that traditional weddings simply do not face.

The officiant, a friend drafted for the role, was reportedly seen frantically scribbling in his notebook moments before walking down the aisle. “My script said, ‘Do you, Laura, take you, Laura…’ and I just blanked,” he said. “Who gives whom away? Which one says, ‘I do’? Do they both kiss themselves? My training did not cover this.”

The reception, which sources say cost nearly €10,000 (15,000 USD), was a festive affair. The first dance was a triumphant solo sway to Frank Sinatra’s “My Way.” The event’s climax was the bouquet toss, which culminated in a brief but determined scuffle after Mesi caught it herself.

“It was instinct! I saw it coming right at me and I just went for it,” Mesi explained, brushing off her wedding gown. “I’m very competitive with myself. We’ve always had that dynamic.”

When asked about the motivation for the unique event, Mesi explained that after a 12-year relationship ended, she had promised herself that if she didn't find a partner by 40, she would become her own soulmate.

“This isn’t narcissism, it’s self-preservation,” Mesi stated, adding that her new wife has excellent taste and already approved a solo honeymoon to Egypt. “Happiness doesn’t have to come from a partner. Sometimes, it comes from you. And also, from a 70-person party you throw for yourself.”

While the marriage carries no legal weight, but the emotional weight was palpable. During the toasts, Mesi, as the groom, stood up and gave a heartfelt speech about the bride’s resilience and beauty. Then, as the bride, she stood up, thanked herself for the kind words, and toasted to her own impeccable taste in partner.

Critics have called the act the ultimate symbol of a self-obsessed culture, but Mesi remains unbothered. “It takes a pinch of madness,” she said, admiring the ring on her finger. “And let’s be honest, I’ll never have to argue with my wife about what to watch on Netflix.”

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GEOFFERY KINSEY

is a writer, producer, online provocator, alchemist, & moviewhore. Hailing from Vancouver Canada but now NYC tri-state based. He loves helping people and getting all the help he can.

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