Local Incel Stunningly Qualified for Public Office

ARLINGTON, VA—While on his way to a local comic book shop, Dylan Gimley was stopped on the street by members of the Virginia Republican Party. To Gimley’s surprise, they informed him that he is stunningly qualified to hold public office.

“It wasn’t something I had ever given much thought,” Gimley mused while munching on a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, “I spend most of my time playing World of Warcraft and getting angry at Instagram models. I mean, shoot, I haven’t taken a civics class since 7th grade!” However, it would appear that these traits are exactly what got the attention of Virginia Governor Glenn Youngkin. “The kid’s a natural,” said Youngkin, “I haven’t seen a talent like him in years. He’s rude, antisocial, and has never felt the touch of a woman. He is perfectly equipped to represent the Republican Party.”

When asked what he would do if elected, Gimley said that he would push forward all of the things he likes and outlaw all of the things he doesn’t. “Specifically,” Gimley said, “I would make it illegal for beautiful women to not want to sleep with me.”

Not everyone is thrilled about Gimley’s turn towards politics. Said one former classmate, “He’s got throw-up on his shirt right now.” “He hissed when I turned on the overhead light,” said another. However, Gimley isn’t letting the naysayers get him down. Jealous," he proclaimed between belches. “Maybe if they were more pathetic and disgusting, they would get to represent their country too.”

Meet the Writer!

WILL KISOR

is an award-winning screenwriter from Arlington, Virginia, although he currently lives in the great state of denial. He began writing comedy scripts because it's, and I quote, "way funnier than the serious stuff." That mentality is what led Will and his co-writer, Gage Swanston, to create Priam’s Productions, a company that one executive called, "proof that there is no God." With that in mind, you should check it (and the rest of their work) out.

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