Liberty-Bell Dale

How to Find Your Teen Angst Growing Up in the Suburbs

Any teen worth their Tumblr has teen angst, but how can you lament about your struggles from the strifeless streets of suburbia? Well here’s some ways to find your teen angst coming from a former faux emo themself.

1. Be 17

Any older is too mature and younger is too naive. 17 is the best place to be. It's also the worst place to be. In the suburbs, 17 is the age not being able to drive becomes pathetic even though you have nowhere interesting to drive to. 17 is the most miserable age

2. Steal Pain From Others

Your friend's parents got divorced? That's really hard on you. Your teacher miscarried? You’re in pieces. Your friend's older sister’s manager’s uncle has cancer and you can’t go on. If you don’t make yourself the victim of other people's tragedies then your biggest problem is gonna be your gym shorts that make you feel - not even look - fat, and that’s not a lot to work with.

3. Listen to Cool, Sad Music for Cool, Sad Girls

Teen angst is not just seeming depressed but also seeming cool. Steal the t-shirt of whatever pop punk band your older sister likes and act shocked when kids in your grade have never heard of it. Oh, you don’t know Modern Baseball? You’ve never heard of American Football? You’re telling me you don’t listen to The Basketball Johnsons? Showing everyone your superior music taste will make you seem deeper and smarter than your peers, and what better way to make your peers like you than demonstrating how much better you are than them?

4. Get an Artsy Part Time Job

Do NOT work at some place like Chick-fil-A. At Chick-fil-A you’ll be a prep at best and a republican at worst. You need to work somewhere cool like a movie theatre or a book store. Somewhere you can nap in the bathroom, wear big eyeliner, and STILL get paid 10 dollars an hour, no tips.

5. Learn to Dye Your Own Hair

Colored hair is a classic indicator of having more interesting thoughts than those with boring hair. Doing it yourself will save you money you don’t have (see: $10 an hour). Choose a haircolor like green, something based on a character from a comic book no one you know’s read. Also need to know to do it yourself so that when your mom yells at you you can dye it back to black.

6. Get a Boyfriend Who Wears a Leather Jacket Everyday

It won’t be worth it in the grand scheme of things, but for the time being it’s a good way of keeping things exciting while you’re too scared to have teen sex because you don’t wanna end up teen pregnant. Plus you can be Rizzo and Kenickie for Halloween because he refuses to wear anything else.

Lastly I’d just like to remind you that your home town is only as boring as you let it be. Run a pumpkin over with your car in the school parking lot, find a convenience store that will sell you a beer, eat Cane’s Chicken while sitting on your leatherjacket boyfriend’s roof. Okay maybe it is kind of boring, but don’t let it decide if you’re boring too.

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