Lebron James Threatens NBA Commissioner Adam Silver With Mass Layups, 2025-2026 Season

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA—NBA superstar LeBron James slammed commissioner Adam Silver with a possible whole season of mass layups.

“We are going to restructure corporate investing, and you can dunk on that,” said James.

Silver, known for his poise in the face of player confrontations, said, “This is a crossroads for the Association between the management and the players’ union, and everyone wants to do their jobs and box out.”

Layups are considered an easy shot in basketball, where players merely roll the balls off of the backboard with a near balletic grace, compared to more difficult trick shots, or free throws.

Ryan Sabrino, a spokesman for the NBA Players’ Association, said, “We do not want the layups. Corporate does not want the layups. The fans are mildly bored by corporate layups.”

“I don't honestly know why you would quote me in an article regarding layups,” said Carnegie Mellon Pittsburgh adjunct for Machine Learning and Natural Language Processing Amy Xu. “I mean I guess if Steph Curry was a robot with Artificial Intelligence, that would be weird.”

The people needed to know: Would the AI robots cause more layups?

“We could probably run the numbers.”

“I have a three pointer to say,” said Commissioner Silver at a recent press conference regarding the layups. “One, it's a hard pass on LeBron James’ position. And points two and three are going to have to be from the foul line.”

“This should be an easy shot for all parties to make,” said rising Lakers star Luka Doncic, fresh out of a summertime training camp and looking just great. “I mean, you practice them so much and if the defense gives you an opening, you go for it.”

In February 2025, LeBron James caused mass outrage when he created the HOOPS program, a tongue-in-cheek acronym which stands for Helping Opportunities Outside of Player Shots. The plan executed mass layups until tech billionaire Talmage Stinky was reportedly removed from office over his ties to far-right Internet content.

“If I made any more baskets, I would be weaving them,” said James.

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DOUGLAS CAMPESE AND JACOB GOLDBAS

Doug Campese and Jacob Goldbas are writing partners based in Brooklyn and Washington DC and love each other very much. Jacob won the DCJCC Award for Writing in 2013.

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