LEAKED: Prepared White House Statement Discovered for if ‘Big Bird’ was on Failed Challenger Shuttle

WASHINGTON—Journalists associated with the Corporation for Public Broadcasting (CPB) have recently obtained a leaked White House manuscript for if the popular children’s show character “Big Bird” was one of the astronauts aboard the space shuttle Challenger. In preparation for any possibility, White House staffers wrote a statement for President Reagan to deliver to the nation in the event a disaster occurred, and the return of the shuttle, and subsequently, Big Bird was not possible.

NASA scientists initially planned for The Challenger to launch with six astronauts and Big Bird into low orbit as both a marketing event for PBS and a show of American scientific achievement and skill. Further obtained recordings of the planning stages show then-NASA director, Buck Buckley, stating, “[President] Reagan wants this friggin’ bird in space. It’s like his own personal mission to get that goddamn puppet into space,”.

Journalists for the CPB report that President Reagan, ironically, had prepared for The Challenger, Astronatus, and Big Bird, were lost in space and return to Earth was not possible. The grim text has been obtained by The Dunce, and we will print it in full below:

My fellow Americans,

Tonight, I come before a nation, and world, in shock and mourning. Today, our ambitions in space travel have taken an incalculable and harrowing setback. Today, six brave astronauts, and one eight-foot-two-inch flightless bird ascended to the stars and will not return home. These intrepid explorers dared to venture beyond the safety of Earth’s surface. They knew the risk of their journey. Still, these explorers and yellow bird are missed and mourned by a grateful nation. We have made appropriate arrangements for these American heroes, and have informed the proper authorities on Sesame Street. Having it be so, that these bodies cannot be retrieved, we have administered full Naval and Sea-Burial rights to all those aboard.

To the citizens of Sesame Street, and those Americans who enjoy their broadcast every week, Big Bird’s sacrifice is demonstrative of this yellow Avian’s disposition. To be a caring, compassionate, and dedicated individual. Big Bird has received, posthumously, the highest honor that I as President can give to a non-Citizen, the Presidential Medal of Freedom. The physical Medal has been sent to the citizens of Sesame Street as a reminder of a nation grateful for one of their own sacrifices.

Our spirit as Americans to understand the cosmos shall not waver. Our cause has only been emboldened by these six astronauts and one flightless bird. We only hope that Big Bird is showing these brave Americans how to get to Sesame Street, and into the arms of our Lord.

Thank you, and God bless you.

What is evident from this leaked manuscript is the White House’s preference to refer to Big Bird as if he were an individual unto himself, and not a puppet controlled by actor Caroll Spinney. No part due to President Reagan’s acting ability. When asked for comment, the White House responded:

“The White House is looking into this matter and will be taking steps to ensure protection of sensitive White House and Government documents.”

While the mission and speech never made it through the initial planning stages, the commitment to end the Cold War through American scientific and entertainment prowess is plain to see in this document and speaks to the President’s hawkish Cold-War policies that bordered on the surreal. Namely, President Reagan’s ambitious missile defense program, nicknamed “Star Wars."

The document also clarifies several mysteries about the Reagan administration and its ties to The Challenger launch. Towards the end of his life, President Reagan made several off-color and confusing statements to the press. Including being quoted several times as saying, “The Russians are afraid of birds,” and, “If only those [Racial expletive] at NASA launched that bird.” Both taken initially as signs of President Reagan’s cognitive decline, this leaked manuscript now sheds more light on President Reagan and his administration’s ambitions in space.

Meet the Writer!

JASON LAWRENCE

is an improv and stand-up comedian from the great state of Illinois. Through many voices, physicality, and writing, Lawrence brings outlandish characters to life. Having done improv for many years, Jason has made his comedy home The Annoyance Theater, where you can find him every Tuesday for the Open Stage. You can also catch Jason Lawrence around Chicago, where he will either be eating, walking, or walking to get something to eat.

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