J.D. Vance Found Dead in Apparent Fellatio Ouroboros Incident

WASHINGTON–After an extensive 3-day search J.D. Vance has been found deceased in his office. Officials are describing it as a fellatio ouroboros incident that resulted in his death. Investigators on the scene had this to say, “From what we can gather this hillbilly liked to suck his own elegy, and while he was engaging in this act his elegy happened to get sucked into his windpipe. This next part isn’t pretty, but it seems the tip of his elegy was the perfect cap shape to get lodged into his esophagus and form a vacuum seal. This caused Mr. Vance to suffocate on his own elegy. There were signs of a struggle and unfortunately, due to the vacuum seal, any amount of struggle only caused it to get lodged deeper and deeper. Rest assured, he died a fighter, and on the bright side the boys in CSI found a fluid in the lungs indicating he got to finish.”

We caught up with the recently widowed Usha Vance in a shopping mall holding hands with a man that looked exactly J.D. Vance. When questioned on the identity of this man Usha Vance said, “This is my husband J.D. Vance.” To which we informed Mrs. Vance that he was not J.D. Vance, and the man confirmed he was indeed local musician DJ Trance. A shocked Usha Vance stated, “Oh my god…there must have been a mix-up at the airport! How long has this stranger been plowing me? I should’ve known something was amiss. I mean, after 10 years of marriage you don’t just suddenly learn to make your wife cum.”

In the few moments of consciousness the Vice President had left, he was able to write his last words in a diary which is published here, “In a suck or be sucked world I am without limits. Stay strong America. P.S. If Usha says I’ve never made her cum it's because she’s never made me cum.”

Meet the Author!

RICK IDAHO

is a comedy writer based in Chicago. His hobbies include writing, making people laugh, and sticking it to the man. He is the founder of thedunce.fun and hopes you enjoy it.

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