Isaac Rantala

How to tell if your dad is an alcoholic when you live in Wisconsin

(This is not a diagnosis. If you or someone in your family is suffering from alcoholism, please contact a medical professional, a psychiatrist, or a divorce lawyer.)

So, you live in Wisconsin, and you’re not sure if your dad has a drinking problem. What most people call a ‘problem,’ Wisconsin calls a solution… a success, a way of life.

But it can be confusing. In the state where most towns have more bars than churches (and trust me, that is not due to a lack of churches), is your father suffering from a crippling addiction, or is he just a really cool guy?

Well, I’m here to help.

Let’s look at some common signs used for evaluating alcoholism, and I’ll help you translate them to Wisconsin standards to accurately analyze your father’s behavior.

1: Your dad drinks “excessively”

High amounts of alcohol consumption could be a sign of addiction, but we have to adjust this for Wisconsin averages. How much is “a lot” or “excessive”? Daily drinking might be excessive in most states, but in Wisconsin, it’s typical practice and, most would say, Totally Reasonable.

Listen to this quote: “Not only does Wisconsin consistently rank among the U.S. states with the highest excessive drinking rates, its high alcohol consumption draws global recognition. While many Wisconsinites take pride in this reputation, alcohol is taking lives at unprecedented rates–” Oh, shit, wait. Not that part. I meant to stop at “global recognition.” Pretend you didn’t hear that.

Anyway, the point is: Wisconsinites can hold their liquor a lot better than the average American, so of course it seems “excessive” to those pussies.

Bottom line: If your Wisconsin dad is killing a 12-pack every night, he’s not an alcoholic; he’s just not a little bitch.

2: Your dad has at least one DUI

Again, in most states, this might be a strong indicator of an alcoholic behind the wheel, but in Wisconsin, DUIs are like sexual assault: either you’ve had it happen to you or you know someone who has, and if you don’t, it’s because they’re just not telling you about it.

There are some things that are practically guaranteed to happen to you at least once while driving in Wisconsin: seeing a Packers flag, stopping for a cow crossing, hitting a deer, getting pulled in by a snowdrift, hitting a deer during hunting season and throwing it in the back of the truck to bring home for venison.

And a DUI is just one of those things. So no, a DUI does not make your dad an alcoholic.

3. He says he “can quit anytime”

Now this one’s tricky. Alcoholics typically don’t acknowledge that they have a drinking problem. They’ll say it’s fine, it’s a choice, they could stop if they really wanted to. When an alcoholic says they can quit anytime, they’re a liar. However, if your dad really isn’t an alcoholic, then maybe he’s just telling the truth and he genuinely could quit anytime.

Well then the question becomes why doesn’t he quit? And this is a question my mom has asked plenty of times. Now this is not a direct quote, but the answer my dad seems to be giving through his actions is this: “Beer is fun, beer is good, beer is my first and greatest love. Of course I love you, wife, but beer doesn’t spend all day bitching at me. I could quit if I wanted to, sure, but god, I do NOT want to. You never seem to follow through on that threat of divorce, wife, so why don’t you grab me another beer?”

Maybe your dad really could quit anytime. Maybe alcohol doesn’t have power over him. Maybe he just needs a break from that bitch you’re a son of.

Conclusion:

In Wisconsin, it’s basically impossible to drink so much that you could really consider yourself an alcoholic. Wisconsinites don’t drink because they’re addicted to alcohol. They drink because it’s awesome and they’re the best at it. My dad can drink a Coors Light in 4 swallows. So, no, your dad is probably not an alcoholic. And he probably couldn’t out-drink my dad if he tried.

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