Internet Comebacks that I Won’t Let Get to Me

As an attractive Gen Z-er in my physical prime, I’ve devoted my virile years to doing what's important to me: Logging on and plugging in. Particularly onto my favorite social media platform, Instagram.com (app version for iOS). What some would call chronically online, I would call socially versed in the digital space for purposes of modern day existence. Today, having social media no longer feels optional, and with the internet, comes its discourse.

No public forum hears more from me than the Instagram comment sections; my #selfie is my soapbox, so to speak. Most arguments in Instagram comments sound basically the same, following trends just like me after 3 hours of beautiful screen time. As a frequent Instagram Commenter here are some things I see said often (I think intended as ‘sick burns’) that don’t land with me the way they’re intended (which I think is to hurt me).

1. “She Thought She Ate”

This one won’t work on me because yes, I did think I ate. And I think that because I did. If I’m arguing with you, I already think you're stupider than me, therefore your idea of what “ate”, is completely unreliable and irrelevant. Also, if we’re fighting don’t talk to the audience, talk to me. You are breaking the fourth wall, and it is super cliche.

2. “I’m Not Reading That Book”

Do you know who writes books? Smart people who know lots of words. Yeah. When you say this to me you are basically complimenting my writing skills. So thanks for that, it really helps my self-esteem when you compliment me on something I’m insecure about. By the way I know you read it; you just know you can't craft a response of my caliber so you’re pretending you don’t even care. I know you care. You're obsessed with me.

3. “Sybau”

I don’t even know what that means, but I’m pretty sure it’s rude! I’m someone’s daughter, someone's friend, someone’s future mother and probably teacher. Imagine if someone online said something mean to your daughter, friend, teacher, or mother. You would hate that person. Well guess what: My mom hates you, and she doesn’t even know what it means either.

4. “OnlyFans Detected, Opinion Rejected”

Now this is not one said to me as I do not currently have an OnlyFans account, however I see it said by men in every comment section where a woman has said something smart that they disagree with. Now I know it’s not nice to make fun of stupid people who are just proud of themselves for coming up with a rhyme, but I’m not really that nice. This one is so dumb it almost makes me think the people who say this should be disenfranchised, and apparently my opinion on this is correct because I don’t have an OnlyFans! Yipee!

5. “It’s Not That Serious”

If you think you can make me, feel embarrassed for caring, you know even less about me than my coworkers do. I am chalante above all else. I concern myself with everything I see. A stranger in need of a car jump, a child missing their parents, two people having a conversation without me. You better believe I’m right there, to the rescue, ready to give my two cents from my superior train of thought. You can’t embarrass me; I do goddamn musical theatre. Caring is cool, that’s the new trend. I’m starting a trend where we all care about each other and everything and it’s gonna be awesome. Logging off.

Meet the Writer!

Liberty-Bell

is a writer and performer from Austin, Texas currently living and loving in Chicago. LB loves doing improv, musical theatre, and other loud, off-putting things. She’s proud to be performing with her sketch-group Man Overboard and is the current President of Columbia College Chicago’s Improv Club & Team (Full Ride$). Liberty-Bell enjoys teaching children about theatre and the performing arts during the summer, mostly because it makes her feel smart. Liberty-Bell loves you.

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