gigi Vera Noblewolf

Today was the worst day ever. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. My dog woke up on my side of the bed. My wife woke up on the floor. My bird woke up in a cage I forgot to lock. My cat woke up and ate my bird. My other dog woke up and ate my cat. My dog-eating homunculus ate my dogs. I didn’t know he could do that.

For breakfast I ate dry cereal because I refused to pay four dollars for a gallon of milk yesterday. I went to brush my teeth and discovered I had run out of toothpaste, so I had to make my own. Good thing I learned how to make toothpaste with household items in home economics. Baking soda, water, and bleach. I brushed my teeth and my mouth went numb. Maybe it was baking powder? Yes, I remember now. Baking powder, baking soda, and bleach.

I got in my stupid car that I hate for a bunch of reasons and drove to my job at the complaining factory. On my way in I tripped on a rock and hit my head. When I regained consciousness, I had forgotten how to complain. I sat in my office all day trying to complain, but I couldn’t. So I started doing the opposite of complaining, whatever the hell that’s called.

“I think the weather is actually really pleasant right now. My hair looks good today. I had a good time hanging out with my friends last night. I’m going to see them more often. I’m very excited for dinner tonight. My favorite TV show is getting a new season. Did you get any of that?”

“Uh, no.” replied my aide. “My job is to write down everything you complain about. I’m not going to write down things you say that aren’t complaints or complaints-adjacent. That’s a waste of my time. I don’t like when my time is wasted.”

“You keep that up and you’ll be running this place in no time. Good job, kid.”

I got up from my chair and I clocked out early. On the way back to my car, I tripped on the same rock from before and hit my head again in the exact same place on the opposite side of my brain, reversing the effects of my original brain trauma. I could complain again! What a relief! I sat in my office for twenty minutes– No lunch break! – and didn’t complain once the whole time? I wasted a whole day! What a bust!

I got back in my awful car that just really pisses me off and drove back to my house which is super ugly. It was built in the 70’s, so it’s made of shag carpet and closely followed the Watergate scandal. When I went inside I met my wife in the kitchen where she had prepared a vile and disgusting sludge that was unfit to be served. We sat across from each other and ate and sipped wine that tasted like it had been fermented in a Volvo’s gas tank.

“How was your day today?” She asked.

“Eh. It was alright.”

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