EMERGENCY REPORT: Tropical Storm Smells Nothing Like Tropical Hand Soap

THE TROPICS–It didn’t smell like tropical hand soap at all, folks. It smelled heavily of petrichor, which is the name for the smell of rain, and had hints of lemon and orange but they belong to, as the Latins would say, genus fruitus citrus, not genus fruitus tropicus and as such shall not be counted in this emergency report.

The false advertising is nothing new, but it's reached a new high in our society. In this digital age, what was once supposed to be the information age has become the misinformation age. I mean look around, the only thing big about a Big Mac these days is the price. It’s literally 1984 doublespeak. Or doublethink. Doublecheck maybe?

Point is, they're washing your brain like a baby duck caught in a BP oil spill. My critics will try and point out that despite the excellent points I’m making on the tropical storm smell controversy, #smellgate, I have been legally declared a menace to society in a court of law and multiple PSA’s have been released warning the public about the dangers of interacting with me or listening to the words I have to say, but to them I say a broken clock is right twice a day.

Speaking of, I’m actually an inventor working on a prototype broken clock device that's right three times a day. You can check it out over at brokenclockthatsrightthreetimesaday.biz and support us on kickstarter.

Please support me, I don’t have health insurance and my mom’s new boyfriend smokes indoors. He sells her jewelry for a living, but I’m not supposed to tell.

Boy, you’re really easy to talk to. Would you mind giving me your number by the way? You’re a great listener and my therapist just yammers on about having to “want to get better” and "put in the work" or some bullshit. I only go because the courts make me.

It’d be a lot cheaper to just call you up too.

Hey, I have a great idea, my buddy and I were actually planning a trip to right around where you live to run some three-card monte at the local dementia care facility and we could just stay on your couch while we’re in town for four months. I’ll send you a list of my dietary restrictions, it has to be in a pdf otherwise the file size is too big. :(

See you soon bestie! Xoxo

PS: TSA will NOT let me travel with a toothbrush due to past misuse so I WILL be borrowing yours.

Meet the Author!

RICK IDAHO

is a comedy writer based in Chicago. His hobbies include writing, making people laugh, and sticking it to the man. He is the founder of thedunce.fun and hopes you enjoy it.

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