Doctors Confirm Jake Paul's Brain Damage Pre-Dates Fight

LOS ANGELES—Doctors at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center have released an in-depth and comprehensive half-page report on Jake Paul’s brain—or lack thereof—and the results are shocking. Senior medical staff across the country, including the notoriously contrarian tenth dentist, have unanimously concluded Jake Paul’s brain damage predates his fighting career and may have been present since birth.

Preeminent brainologist Horvath von Thinkstein, Ph.D., said, “Our studies revealed significant traumatic damage, but not from fighting. The adolescent parts of his brain, along the crest of the prefrontal cortex and the ridges of the amygdala and cerebellum, show patterns more consistent with what we have seen in cases of home births from a standing position, also referred to as freefall birthing. This was designated by our research team as the Plop Theory, which has now been 100% confirmed. The medulla oblongata also showed lifelong signs of paste consumption. Most probably Elmer’s.”

At press time, Paul reportedly had a broken jaw and was drooling in his hospital bed, but not because of his broken jaw mind you, but because he is stupid.

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RICK IDAHO

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