Daniel Seward

After a decade of listening to various podcasts, I am pleased to now officially know everything there is to know. It would be quite selfish of me to simply keep all of this vast knowledge to myself. So, I wanted to share my life findings with you. My credentials for such expertise, you ask?

To start, I attended Harvard once for a college tour. I’m so important that every April, the government sends me a letter detailing all the money I owe them. Fun fact: Good Will Hunting was loosely based on my life (specifically the scene where he looks sad riding the train). Lastly, I have a small globe in my room.

After years of listening to podcasts and going to parties where people take turns misquoting their favorite podcasts, I have decided to present my ultimate findings to you. My hope is that maybe one of these can help you navigate your own journey and make your life a little easier.

1. For most of your upbringing, you drink exclusively milk. Then one day, you discover alcohol. Alcohol will become your milk.

2. Making the font larger on your resume to help fill the page is like yelling about how chill your weekend was.

3. If you read while taking public transit, the other passengers are legally required to form a Little League fan tunnel for you to run through as you exit off.

4. It’s totally not concerning at all that I need to call someone when I go on a walk, music to listen to while I work, the TV on when I’m home, and a nightmare while I sleep.

5. If all the dogs need to be rescued from the animal shelter, then it’s probably a bad place.

6. If you Google the legality of paying your medical bills, there is a 100% chance you will not pay your medical bills.

7. If someone works at a thrift store, that means they used to work somewhere else too.

8. I bought new rain boots recently, but now I’m scared to get them dirty. That’s like if I didn’t want food to expire, so I threw it away.

9. If you are at a bar counter and waiting to order, sometimes you can feel invisible. To get the staff’s attention, try waiving cash in the air (preferably expired currency), stomp your ivory cane on the wooden floor, and yell, “Hey Barkeep!”

10. If you’ve never clogged a toilet before, practice.

11. It’s totally normal to cook ground beef and rice for 90% of your meals. You’re doing great. You’re almost 30.

12. Life is not about money. Money is not everything. But if you can do anything to acquire more, even if it’s amoral, illegal, or simply stealing your neighbors' dalmatians, you should probably do it.

13. The other day, my dentist said I have strong teeth. Once I let his fingers go, he also said “No biting”.

14. Given the amount of people afraid to fly, “Terminal” has to be the worst title the airport could have named their buildings. In terms of vibes, they might as well only offer one-way tickets too.

15. This year, I started journaling, ran my first half-marathon, and started cutting my own hair. My biggest advice would be to not use a sword.

16. How come all bouncers look the same?

17. A guy sitting next to me at a coffee shop brought his laptop, a Bluetooth mouse & keyboard, and a monitor. Once he hears about the invention of the desk he is going to absolutely lose his mind.

18. I’m against wallet clips that attach to your phone because that’s a lot you could potentially lose at once. At the same time, I currently have a notes list in my phone titled “Social Security Number”. It’s listed in-between two other notes titled: “Bank Passwords” and “Good Bagel Spots Near Me”.

The passing on of wisdom and guidance is the greatest legacy and help one can offer the generations after them. Historical memoirs and autobiographies such as Confessions by Saint Augustine, Meditations by Marcus Aurelios, and Confessions (the 4th studio album) by Usher act as a passing of the torch to human knowledge. Think of the history we lost during the eruption of Pompeii, or the Fires of the Library of Alexandria or when Blockbuster closed. That’s what it would be like if someone stole my laptop from this Panera cubicle right now.

It’s not easy to listen to podcasts and plagiarize them as my own findings in later conversations in order to impress my co-workers, but it’s a task worth doing again and again. I hope you leave this article a more smarter person and be sure to tune in next week as I review Adele’s concert as someone who wasn’t there.

Thanks

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