Connor Snow

BLESSED: 6 Helpful Mindsets To Make You More Appreciative Of The Haunted Pirate Ship Which You’re Eternally Bound

Since the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise sailed into the mainstream, the general public has developed a strong negative attitude towards haunted pirate ships, along with disparaging thoughts of being bound to one forever. Here’s the thing, though: haunted pirate ships and their ever-growing crews are cursed to serve for eternity – meaning they aren’t going anywhere any time soon! So, here are some helpful tips to reframe what many view as an ill-fated situation.

1. Every Day Is A Vacation!

How many of your friends can say that their job is taking a cruise around the world? Exclude your cruise ship worker friends. Done? Good. Again: how many of your friends can say that their job is taking a cruise around the world? Now, that number should be zero – except for you and the other crew members on your work-sponsored bon voyage! On the page of your eternal contract, “cursed” sounds like it has a negative connotation. Yet, in reality, 9-to-5 cubicle workers eye each of your Instagram posts with enormous envy.

2. Time Management Is A Breeze

Did you know that stress can kill people? And do you know how stressful time management is? Jeez Louise! Nowadays, half of people’s inboxes are dedicated to GCal invites. Yuck! However, as an eternal servant of the ship, you don’t have to deal with any of that. You have the esteemed privilege of knowing where you’ll be hanging out for the next century or two. Goodbye Asana & Notion; hello open ocean!

3. It’s The Only Pyramid Scheme No One Can Shame You About

You’ve seen many of your friends and family fall into pyramid schemes throughout your life: Girl Scout cookies, knives, improv comedy. And you’ve probably had a painful intervention for each one. Yet, lucky you: the haunted pirateship is the one pyramid scheme no one can get on your ass about. I mean, you’re not the one luring in fresh faces to join the endless crew. Technically, it’s the ship. What a blessing! Most people trapped in a pyramid scheme can only blame themself.

4. Music Subscription is Included For Free

Some people don’t even get 401(k)s at their place of servitude. Meanwhile, your retirement is technically covered cause its never happening… and you get free music! Sure, Starbucks gifts its workers a free Spotify subscription, but do you really want to be seen working at a Starbucks right now? Thank goodness you’re spared from that life. And yes, the free music comes from the curse compelling you and your crew to wail the shanties of times past. Still, it’s way more ethical than using a streaming service that criminally underpays artists. Thank goodness you get to work at a place with good morals.

5. Technically, You’re a Homeowner

How many people nowadays can say they’re a homeowner? It’s likely a number both disheartening and humble. However, as a part of the contract you were coerced into signing, you are now technically part of the ship! Thus, the ship is something you own, if you consider your body your own anymore. And look at that! By definition, you’re a homeowner. Imagine the jaws dropping when you tell your bar trivia league on Tuesday! Not in person, of course, but over FaceTime once T-Mobile works on service out here. And gosh, can you imagine the faces at your high school reunion when you tell them your mortgage was paid off centuries ago? Someone might just be a candidate for Time’s 30 Under 30.

6. You’ll Never Die Alone

Did you know that loneliness is at an all-time high? You probably didn’t, since you’re surrounded by your best buddies 24/7. And isn’t that nice? What’s even nicer is the fact that you’ll never die the saddest death: alone and scared. In fact, you don’t even know if you’ll die! Uh… Someone better call the president, cause: Did we just find the best solution to the male loneliness epidemic? One word: YARR!

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