Congress Releases Testimony of U.S. Military Launching McFlurry At Mysterious Glowing Orb

DJIBOUTI, DJIBOUTI—Congress interrogated expert testimonies from six veteran military and National Security Agency members, and one civilian Boeing contractor, regarding the subsequent aftermath from the Hellfire Missile fiasco.

“At the behest of our Air Force Command hierarchical chain, we fired multiple Hellfire Missiles into a mysterious glowing orb [Unidentified Aerial Phenomenon], without knowing what the thing was or whatever – was released in testimony on September 9, 2025 – that much is true,” said Air Force drone pilot Ernie Myers Junior.

“What the public doesn't know is we also followed the glowing orb after the missiles bounced off of the orb,” he said.

“I understand you then went to the local McDonalds’ Restaurant, cut the glowing orb off at the drive through, and then proceeded to throw a milkshake at the glowing orb,” said Congressman Lauren Boebert, R-Colorado.

“Correct. We were frustrated because we sent the bombs at them, and the bombs just bounced off,” said Elizabeth Krishnan, a civilian Boeing engineer, who was in the car during the fast-food incident.

“What happened at that time?” said Congressman Eric Burlison, R-Missouri.

“Yeah, first we followed the glowing UAP to Mcdonalds. What the orb was doing we were not sure. We proceeded to follow the orb, and the orb ordered a happy meal of 4-piece chicken nuggets.”

“Did the orb pay for the meal?!” asked Hon. Burlison.

“Astoundingly, it did pay. It used the new intergalactic currency known as XLM – Stellar Lumens, on the blockchain.”

“And then?” asked Hon. Boebert.

“As the orb was taking off, we threw the milkshake at it,” said Dr. Krishnan.

“Why did you throw the milkshake at it?”

“We threw the M&M McFlurry, but perhaps we could have attempted the Oreo McFlurry….”

Astrophysicist Damon Ward-Smith, of Washington and Lee University, who was not at Tuesday’s hearings, said, “This finally proves it. The aliens are nerds and we should punk them when our idiot technology is insufficient to barbarically insult interstellar missions of peace and goodwill.

“Suck it, bureaucrats,” he added.

Skeptics remain skeptical.

“I'm not persuaded that the American Air Force is acting as stupid as they possibly can, here,” said Epistemology professor Christine Hayes, of the University of Miami, Ohio. “I mean didn't they lose like six F30 fighter jets this year by critical dumb errors? Those are like a hundred million dollars apiece, guys. Remember the one that just fell off the carrier runway? Hahaha.

“Lots of room to grow.”

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DOUGLAS CAMPESE AND JACOB GOLDBAS

Doug Campese and Jacob Goldbas are writing partners based in Brooklyn and Washington DC and love each other very much. Jacob won the DCJCC Award for Writing in 2013.

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