Church of Scientology Unveils De-Virgin Machine After Member Outcry

CHICAGO, IL—Apocalypse was averted in the downtown area early this morning, and we mean that literally folks, as a group of heavily armed virgins stormed the Church of Scientology building and seized their doomsday weather machines, threatening to use them if their demands to be deflowered were not met. Negotiations stalled early on, as the only FBI hostage negotiator they could get on such short notice was a woman, which these virgins were unfortunately incapable of talking to.

We’re told the Church’s top scientoligicians worked day and night on a device that could be used to pop one's own cherry. Armed with a million dollars and their signature scientologic method, they developed a highly advanced artificial intelligence equipped dildo named HAL 9000, no relation.

The majority of the radicals, expecting something to wet their…whistles, were wary of the device. These misgivings proved correct after HAL 9000 murdered a team of astronauts in the 1968 feature film 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Back to the drawing board, this time without a budget, the team cobbled together a rudimentary device based on inhumane cow milking technology. It’s called the Yield Oxidation Ultracentrifugation Rotation Magnetosphere Organism Mammal, or Y.O.U.R. M.O.M. for short. It’s built more for extraction than pleasure, but we are told it fits the necessary scientological definitions to take one's v-card.

TC-9441, better known as the Tom Cruise clone that came out ugly, had this to say, “I am so happy, I no longer want to cut off the Prime’s face and wear it as my own.”

Inspiring words. With the new device the radicals have stood down, and the crisis was averted. That’s one small step for losers, one giant leap for loserkind.

Meet the Writer!

RICK IDAHO

is a comedy writer based in Chicago. His hobbies include writing, making people laugh, and sticking it to the man. He is the founder of thedunce.fun and hopes you enjoy it.

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