Catholic Priesthood Recruits Incels with Promises of Voluntary Celibacy

VATICAN CITY–The Holy See was mired in an unholy stench this morning as thousands of virgins, self-described as “incels”, descended upon St. Peter’s Basilica to take their vows as priests, ending the involuntary half of their celibacy. Incels, of course, are basically just male spinsters, only more pathetic in nature. A big win for the creepiest and loneliest guys you know.

We asked some of the newly ordained priests for their thoughts:

“Now I can make sure all the women who rejected me don’t get into heaven.”

Branson Smith, 20

“Pretty sure I read somewhere that we’re rewarded with 72 virgins in heaven.”

Matthew Miller, 22

“It’s the only way anyone will ever call me father.”

Kenneth Washington, 26

“Communion wafers are better than sex, as far as I know.”

Todd Schilling, 18

“Turns out I have a lot of transferable skills as a level 26 paladin.”

Josh Williams, 24

“I tried Orthodox Christianity first but turns out they fuck.”

J.D. Vance, 40

“They say altar boys don’t count.”

Ted Cruz, 54

“It’s not all bad, some of the frescos have great tits.”

Joe Brandon, 82

“Finally. Better parking at hospitals.”

Rick Idaho, 26

We caught up with Pope Leo XIV and asked for his thoughts on the new priests:

“You know, despite being up to his neck in pussy himself, Jesus was always a friend to the incels. All the disciples were fucking. Jesus had Mary Magdalene, Peter’s cock was legendary, everyone wanted to be tag teamed by the Sons of Thunder, and even Doubting Thomas got a piece of the leftovers. But Jesus chose to be friends with incels anyway, like Zacchaeus, who was a wee little man in more ways than one, and Judas Iscariot, the original school shooter and patron saint of incels.”

At press time, The Vatican announced it would honor the new class of clergy by canonizing Andrew Tate and selling Blessed Virgin Mary body pillows in the gift shop.

Meet the Author!

RICK IDAHO

is a comedy writer based in Chicago. His hobbies include writing, making people laugh, and sticking it to the man. He is the founder of thedunce.fun and hopes you enjoy it.

Help support independent artists!

Click to tip the writer!

More

Get Involved!