Anti-Woke Goldilocks

A fairy straight white American tale for children

Adapted by Carl Llewelyn,

President of the Council for Responsible American Patriots

Gather around, boys and girls and nothing else. A drag queen was supposed to be reading you a “fairy” tale here at the library until I threatened them with a lawsuit and a pair of dad jeans. No way we’re going to expose you to weird sexpot non-hetero pedophiles. Let me expose my love for this country. Let me read you an anti-woke tale.

Goldilocks and the Three Bears.

Once upon a time, there lived a young teenage girl named Goldilocks, a good girl from a small town in the Midwest who never talked about her period. She liked horses and cheering on the high school football team – Go Redskins! Goldilocks got her name from her naturally curly blond hair, which she inherited from her American parents, who enjoyed having babies and lawncare.

One day, while home alone, Goldilocks accidentally turned the channel from Fox News to PBS and had her mind poisoned by the radical left wokeness of Elmo on Sesame Street who told her it was okay to accept everyone and give them hugs as long as they consented. Elmo also said abortions are okay and encouraged racist DEI policies. Goldilocks, being a girl, fell for it.

Goldilocks decided to run away from home and try to find Sesame Street.

While walking through an unfamiliar neighborhood where people wore hoodies and looked suspicious, Goldilocks started to get hungry. She left home without her go-go bag and all her allowance was paid in cryptocurrency. She saw a family getting ready to sit down at a dinner table through a window.

It was a family of bears. Real bears. Not muppet bears. And not friendly American bears. These bears looked like they came from a hostile foreign country… Canada. They had maple leafs tattooed on their knuckles and were being obnoxiously polite. Goldilocks wondered how they got a house, and whether they were ripping off the government and using American tax dollars to pay for it.

All of a sudden, the door swung open and the three bears walked out onto the small porch. It was Papa Bear, Mama Bear, and Anchor Baby Bear.

Papa Bear said, “Let’s go for a walk, family, while what we cooked cools off. Oh, hello. Who are you?”

Now, you will notice they are not speaking with Canadian dialects. That’s because we are in America and we speak American here.

“My name is Goldilocks. I’m hungry.”

Mama Bear said, “Oh, dear, you come on in. Help yourself. We’ll be back shortly.”

Anchor Baby Bear said, “I’ll hold the door for you.”

They let Goldilocks into their home as the three bears went for a stroll.

Goldilocks thought, “They sure seemed nice. I guess that’s what bad Canadians do. Pretend to be nice.”

Goldilocks looked at the table and saw three servings of “porridge”. “This must be what fentanyl looks like.” Goldilocks was hungry, so she tried the dishes. “Ouch, this fentanyl’s too hot… Ew, this fentanyl’s too cold… This one is just right.” Goldilocks ate the entire bowl of Canadian fentanyl.She knew it was Canadian because the fentanyl was moose-flavored.

The illicit drugs made Goldilocks sleepy, and she looked for a place to crash. In one room, she found Papa Bear and Mama Bear’s twin beds, separate but close together. One was too hard and the other was too soft. In another room was a smaller bed that belonged to Anchor Baby Bear. It was just right. Goldilocks quickly passed out from a “porridge” overdose.

The Three Bears came home from their walk. Papa Bear said, “That girl ate all my fentanyl.” Mama Bear noted, “She sure did leave everything a mess. Oh, well, I’ll clean it up.” Anchor Baby Bear said, “Hey, she’s sleeping in my bed. We should keep our voices down and not disturb her.”

Goldilocks wasn’t asleep. She was dead. Lured to her death by Canadian fentanyl and Sesame Street.

But don’t worry, this story has a happy ending.

Agents from ICE knocked down the front door and dragged the bear family out in chains, put them on a plane, and sent them to El Salvador. Even Anchor Baby Bear, who was technically a US citizen, but we don’t believe in that crap anymore.

PBS was defunded. Canada became the 51st state. And the USA lived happily ever after.

The End.

The end of illegal crime-loving immigrants taking our jobs in America.

Meet the Author!

Joe Janes

is a Chicago playwright, actor, and teacher. He teaches in the comedy program at Columbia College Chicago and in the writing and the improv programs at The Second City Training Center. Joe is best known for his projects 365 Sketches, 50 Plays, and Seven Deadly Plays as well as his full-length works, Our Christian Nation, Metaluna & The Amazing Science of the Mind Revue, and Macbeth By The Sea You can find out more about him at www.joejanes.net.

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