Anna Cameron

LOVERS

Charles:

Oh, hello there, I’m Charles.

You may be wondering what I’m doing in the Home Depot garden section. I’m just hanging out. Lots of lonely women, much like yourself, end up in the Home Depot garden section, and it’s my life’s mission to help them.

But I’m not attached to the Home Depot garden section. I like to hang out in a lot of places. Public libraries, hair salons, Bath & Body Works. Wherever lonely women accumulate. The more places I go, the more… friends I can make and the more women I can… help. I’m somewhat of a humanitarian in this way.

It’s my duty on this earth to find lonely, depressed, sensual women and make sure they know they’re not alone. You’re in, right?

Danielle:

Hey, it’s so good to see you. Can I talk to you about something? I wanted to tell you about my best friend, someone I hold so near and dear to my heart. Jesus Christ. Or as I call him, Jesus.

He’s been worrying about you. And I have, too. The way you’ve been leading your life is somewhat… concerning.

You know, I was once gay. It’s true. I had a silly little crush on my middle school best friend, Misty. We dated for two years.

But then, I started going to church, and god told me that liking girls is wrong. And so I prayed on it, and god took away my attraction and made me a heterosexual. I completely forgot about Misty and the way her smile made me feel like fireworks were erupting in my chest, and the way her eyes shone like stars in the darkest night. God can make you straight, too.

You need to talk to him. He just wants to bring you peace, happiness, and heterosexual love. Trust me, there are so many great, attractive men out there. You just have to go find them.

Stephen:

I believe to be kind in this world is to treat every person you come across like a close, personal friend, or perhaps even a blood relative.

Boundaries are rude. And yes, strangers may seem scared at first, but they’re probably just scared of how much they like you.

For example, when I check out at a grocery store, I make sure to ask for their name and then use it. And I make sure to look them directly in the eye.

If it’s a teenage girl, they might seem a little unsettled and frightened, but don’t worry— I’m one of the good ones.

The most important thing for kindness is to make people feel welcome and accepted. Even when they tell you to go away and “pepper spray” you, file a restraining order, I approach people with open arms and an open heart. Because in the end, all you need is love.

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