An American Attempts to Explain Hangman to an Alien

American: So there’s this gayme we play here in the U.S. of A. called hangmayuhn. Hangmayuhn’s for ever’body—babies, grandpas, an’ the so-called “diaper-free elite”, sittin’ there all smug like they ain’t next. Them poor souls hangin’ onto their last few years of dignity lak it won’t slip right through their britches.

Alien: This sounds fascinating—a game for all ages, across the planet. How do I play?

American: Ya take a piece of paper and a writing utensil. Do yew know WHat that is?

Alien: We built the technology to come to another planet, from another galaxy, creating everything from scratch. Of course I know what a writing utensil is.

American: Wheyall when you put it that way yew make me look lak a dayum fool. Heugh Heugh Heugh.

Alien: I didn’t mean to offend sir–

American: I’m just joshin’ ya. Anywho. You draw this here hangin’ poach, called a gallows.

Alien: I do not understand. I don’t think this object you are describing is something we use on planet ZWhEUFHicjvhu.

American: Whael it’s been outlawed here now, but in the Wild West, hangin’ was the next big thing since…. To put it so yer understand… Probing! ‘Cept folks lined up for it way less eagerly…

Alien: Oh wow. Um. Okay. (This “probing” thing has really gotten out of hand. Total misinterpretation.)

American: So you gettcher word planned out in yer head. Think of a good one, cuz this here is a guessin’ game.

Alien: Oh, a guessing game! I have a word in mind.

American: Well that’s greater than a woodpecker on a hangnail! Now ya just make little dashes, same number as the letters in yer word. Like if yer word was booze, you’d make five little dashes.

Alien: That’s an interesting word choice…

American: Booze is nature’s water.

Alien: I thought water was nature’s water.

American: Not in the South it ain’t.

Alien: So you have removed all water and replaced it with alcohol?

American: Well, not all of it. But it’s a work in progress.

Alien: Interesting…

American: Once you write out yer lines, it’s time for some guessin’. I’d guess a letter of the American alphabet. None of that "zed" watchamawoopdydoop the Brits say. If I guess right, you fill in the letter.

Alien: And if you guess wrong?

American: Well, then ya start hangin’ the bastard! One body part at a time. First, ya draw the head—

Alien: So he’s dead?

American: Not yet, he ain't fully there. Ya gotta finish drawin’ him first.

Alien: But the oxygen would leave his lungs and kill him.

American: Naw, see, oxygen’s in yer blood, and blood’s all through yer body, so he ain’t officially dead ’til the feet are there. Even my one-month-old knows thayat. Heugh Heugh Heugh.

Alien: So if the guesser is wrong too many times, we… brutally execute this man?

American: Exactly! Now you’re gettin’ it!

Alien: And children play this?

American: Oh, all the time! Keeps ‘em sharp.

Alien: What other games do children play?

American: Uh… Ring Around the Rosy’s a favorite.

Alien: What’s that about?

American: The Black Plague killin’ ever’body.

Alien: …That is unsettling.

American: Oh, they love it! Kids love danger. They love their Nerf guns, their—

Alien: GUNS?!

American: Wheyall, Nerf makes toy guns with foam bullets. You could shoot a baby, and they’d be finer than a coal mine in a nincompoop. But yeah, I take my kids shootin’ with real guns, too. It’s good to teach a boy to hunt.

Alien: But I thought hunting was unnecessary in the United States? You have an abundance of food.

American: Just ‘cause there’s milk in the store don’t mean you cain’t get it yerself. That’s just laziness takin’ ahold of ya.

Alien: …I think I understand. So in Hangman, the game ends when you either guess the word… or execute the man?

American: That’s right.

Alien: …Would you like to hear about our games?

American: Lord, no.

Meet the Artist!

Zoë Kuehn

has a degree in Comedy Writing and Performance from Columbia College Chicago—so yes, her entire college career was one big joke. She loves painting, writing, and drinking copious amounts of tea. For business inquiries, fan mail, or kindhearted complaints, contact: zokuehn@gmail.com

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